Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! There’s a 40 percent off sale at Anthropologie…
Sorry men, but you’re not doing your job. It’s not that you aren’t trying, we see that you are. Unfortunately, you just don’t know how to get us off most of the time.
But don’t worry (we know you’re so concerned), women are still orgasming all over the city and you don’t have to do anything. In fact, we don’t really need you anymore.
Our screams can be heard on sidewalks, at computer screens and in the sanctuary of our apartments, as we put to bed new research that says there is no G-spot for women.
According to research released from The Medical journal Clinical Anatomy, the G-spot is indeed a myth. The ability for women to reach orgasm has reached yet another impasse, as the only way for women to get off is through clitoral stimulation.
These findings were conducted to help spur a better understanding of how the female anatomy correlates with sexual pleasure, along with helping to find treatments for women suffering from anorgasmia, the inability to reach orgasm.
Women everywhere, however, are wondering why this is coming as breaking news to anyone.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but we know all this. We don’t need your expert opinion. We don’t need you to tell us there is no G-spot. We don’t need your medical discoveries and breakthrough research.
We’ve been solving our orgasm problem without men for years. We’ve been getting off without men since our mothers first showed us the layout of the mall. We’ve been just fine on our own. Because if we can’t get off, we’ll just buy shoes.
Come on, ladies, let’s be real here. Most of our moments of complete euphoria and mind-numbing pleasure aren’t happening between the sheets. They’re happening at malls, movie complexes and those Chinese “spas” around the corner.
They’ve been happening in restaurants and on the dance floor. They’ve been happening over maxed-out credit cards and cashmere pajamas long before men tried to get into them.
Contrary to popular belief, women are orgasming multiple times a day. We aren’t sitting around wondering what it feels like, and if we will ever feel that wonderful feeling of euphoria. Women are orgasming without the help of men or sexual stimulation. Women are just getting off on life, and that’s just going to have to do for now… or the rest of our lives.
A sale at Anthropologie
Can anything get you more excited than half off a pomegranate and thyme candle and a shirt that looks like Audrey Hepburn on crack?
Marathon of “Sex and The City”…without commercials
There’s nothing like watching Carrie Bradshaw talk about golden showers and Manolos to keep women stimulated for hours.
Channing Tatum in “Magic Mike”
Just rewind it over and over again; it should probably get you a solid four times.
A piece of really good gossip
Tell it again, again, again!
An amazing pedicure
Some men pay for sex, some women pay to have their feet scrubbed and legs rubbed with hot stones.
Being told you look like your favorite celebrity
I will remember this moment until someone tells me that I look like Sarah Jessica Parker and brings me back down.
Finding that perfect pair of boots
Just above the knee…that’s right. Tighter, tighter, tighter!
When you’re drunk on the dance floor and your favorite song comes on
I don’t care, I’ll do this in public.
When your delivery arrives
I’ve made it a rule not to kiss the customers… but not the deliveryman.
When you collapse into your bed on a Friday night
There’s nothing sexier than a bed of unwashed sheets warmed from the bottom of that charging hard drive.
When Netflix added “The Parent Trap”
You’ve slept with Lindsay Lohan more times than James Franco has.
When you wake up and realize it’s Saturday
I’m just going to stay in bed all day, relishing in this moment.
When you wake up and realize you didn’t lose anything last night
Just the tip… The only thing you forgot. You can always go back and find the waitress later.
When you go shopping and everything fits you
Like no one’s ever gotten off in a dressing room before… please.
Now this is what we call some spicy tuna…
That amazing pair of shoes you can finally afford
You are finally a woman and no blood must be shed.
When you check your bank account and see you just got paid
Now you’ve got the bills to spend on something that will really get you off… like pumpkin-scented candles.
When you get that text you’ve been waiting for
It took about as long as any man does, but at least it finally came…
Waking up and your blow out still looks damn good
Just let me touch it a few minutes longer.
Really good mac and cheese
You can rub that truffle oil all over me.
Freshly cleaned underwear
Nothing says party in my panties like fresh ones.
Taking your bra off
The act of taking it off is much more erotic than seeing it off, trust us.
Anything pumpkin spice
What’s this warm feeling overtaking my body? I feel like it’s going to explode out my eyes.
Hearing your favorite song on the radio
It’s like multiple orgasms, as you know everyone around you is having them too.
A perfect fall day
Is there anything more erotic than a pile of leaves?
Taking off those heels after a long night
That’s right, take it off. Oh, baby, it just feels so damn good.
Getting complimented on your tan
It burns so good.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It